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We're All Gonna Die.

September 9, 2008 - Wes Burns
Oh! You didn't write a blog last week! We were bored at work! Boo-hoo! Normally this would be a big deal, but not today. And there is only one reason:

We Are All Going to Die.

And not in that existential, Hamlet kind of dying either. I'm talking about the 100%, no chance of survival, kiss the kids goodbye kind of dead. The kind of dead you couldn't come back from on a soap opera.

Tomorrow the Large Hadron Collider will go online near the Franco-Swiss border in Europe. While I'm not sure what the implications to science will be I have been made quite certain the simple act of turning the machine on will be the end of human life.

And I for one welcome our obliteration. Of all the ways to go being evaporated into space-nothingness in a split second probably ranks pretty high. Think about it. You're going along in your day to day life, just walking down the street. "Hey," you think to yourself, "maybe I should make hummus tonight. I haven't had hummus in years." And you won't be having it tonight because you were obliterated at the beginning of the thought and the rest was just an echo. Not bad really; but being extinguished right before sated a long hummus drought is a bit tragic.

Maybe you're like me and think that being winked out of existence might not be so bad; that is of course until you hear about what's going to be left of humanity afterwards.

Ever heard of Richard Garriott? Neither had I until I heard about him launching his "Immortality Drive" into space. This Drive contains the digital imprints DNA from some of the greatest minds around the world. The idea is to create an "off-site back up" for humanity in comes off the rails.

This is fantastic! This is the stuff of great science fiction, come to life! We are actually going to have a back-up of our very genes, just in case some aliens come by in a few million years and are able to hook-up a 21st century disk drive and download the great minds of humanity. This is such a good idea! Or at least it was until I saw the list of the "great minds of humanity". Strangers: do any of these people sound great?

Entrepreneurs: Tim Draper, venture capitalist and viral marketing innovator. (Viral marketing? This is what we want the aliens to find? The guy who came up with those stupid web pages with missing person's reports for the characters from "Lost"? The answer is no.)

Athletes: Matt Morgan, American Gladiator and professional wrestler (Come on! We couldn't even get a retired, REAL athlete? What is Patrick Ewing doing right now that he couldn't have taken a little time to tell the aliens that we had real sports on Earth? Are you telling me you really couldn't get Patrick Ewing?!)

Musicians: Patrice Pike, singer, songwriter, and reality show participant (Wow.)

Writers: Steven Melching, television and screenwriter [Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Men in Black: The Series, X-Men: The Animated Series] (So you're creating a back up for humanity and you include a guy whose major credit is to make TV shows out of movies that were written by someone else? The aliens of tomorrow deserve something better than the guy that wrote the only Star Wars movie so weak that it didn't deserve an Episode number.)

To the lists credit it does include Stephen Colbert; but I'm not sure if all the Truthiness in the world could make up for the rest. In case you think I'm cherry-picking the worst of the litter I advise you to go to the list and see for yourself that this is merely the tip of the post-humanity iceberg. I failed to mention The Guy Who Wrote "Happy Days" and The Guy Who Invented Digg. And lest we all forget The Guy Who Wrote Space Camp. Space Camp. Do we really need to show the aliens Lea Thompson? And if so shouldn't we show them "Red Dawn"?

I suppose none of it really matters as we'll all be dead tomorrow some time. Think long and hard about how you want to spend your last minutes here on Earth. Me? I'll be the guy on top of his car screaming WOLVERINES!


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