Sign In | Create an Account | Welcome, . My Account | Logout | Subscribe | Submit News | Contact Us | All Access E-Edition | Home RSS

Saying goodbye to the holidays

November 11, 2012 - Wes Burns
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

I can only assume its Valentine's Day already, since apparently Thanksgiving has been skipped and sent to live on the Isle of Forgotten Holidays alongside Arbor Day and International Toupee Apology Day.

I miss Toupee Apology Day; those guys really should say they're sorry for making us all look at an 80 year old man with one patch of incongruously red hair perched atop their chrome dome.

So Christmas is apparently already here, in fact, I may have missed it already.

The halls of our local big box stores have already converted to their green and red motifs and mall Santas are practicing how to yell at a teenager “you're WAY too old for this” without scaring the actual children.

Every year it seems like Christmas starts earlier and every year I complain about how early it starts. Obviously my long winded rantings have had little effect on the ever encroaching start date to the Christmas season, so this year I will take an approach I saw wielded quite effectively during the recent presidential campaign.

The Economy.

Yeah, Economy, with a capital “E,” which means I'm serious.

Sure, starting the Christmas season roughly 30 mins after the end of Halloween may seem like a good idea to get consumers into stores earlier to buy the kind of high cost items that help retailers and manufacturers. But aren't we forgetting something? A long held American business that simply can't afford to skip Thanksgiving?

That's right, the once lucrative and now struggling Hand Turkey industry.

We all remember learning how to make hand turkeys in elementary school. Pretty much all you need is a piece of paper, a hand, and a pencil that isn't too sharp so when you inevitably jam the thing into the side of your index finger it doesn't break the skin.

With Christmas now superseding Thanksgiving how will the American consumer ever be able to purchase quality, American made hand turkeys? Are we to be left with some inferior, imported hand turkeys? They don't even have turkeys in other countries, what are we supposed to do, get an imported hand baguette from France?

This is the state of our country now; the hand turkey seems to be headed the way of the dodo. So keep an eye out for one of the few remaining traditional hand turkeys this year, if we aren't careful the next Thanksgiving-based industry to go could be the hatter consortium known as Big Hat Buckle. And they're too big to fail.



I am looking for: