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We Now Return You to Our Regular Programming

February 28, 2009 - Wes Burns
The times, they are a changin'.

Two weeks and two days have past since last I blogged. Is the world different? Not really. Stimulus bill, local crazies in Marshalltown yelling about how the stimulus bill contains a section endorsing secret detention centers, and more people lost their money.

What has occupied my time during this most crucial of national events?


McPizza, McFeast and Onion Nuggets. And McStuffin. Are these the character names of some ill-conceived sequel to "Super Bad"? No. Well...maybe. You never know just how awful a Hollywood sequel is going to be until you see Critters 3. That's the one with Leonardo Di Caprio. No, I'm not kidding.

The much vaunted McPizza is a relic of a long forgotten period of McDonalds' history. Originally conceived by injecting some horrid substance known as "pizza filling" into an apple pie crust the McPizza began it's life as a cheaper alternative to the Hot Pocket.

ed. note: Copy Editor to the Stars Jim Cahill has reminded me that a Hot Pocket is a cheaper alternative to a Calzone. This only adds credence to my "McPizza is repugnent" argument.

Surprisingly McPizza is not the only blemish on the otherwise spotless record of performance from Ray Kroc's brainchild. The McFeast broke the "meat as condiment" barrier when, in the late 70s, it was served as a burger with ham and cheese on top. Excellent.

The McStuffin is simply a Pita bread sandwich minus the ethnic and perceived unmarketable name Pita. While I personally was not around to experience the McStuffin sandwich I can only assume that its primary consumer was teenage boys eager to post the wrapper in the locker. Let the giggling commence.

Where, oh where, does one learn such valuable lessons of the consumer world? Where does anybody learn anything? Books? Items like the Fried Roast Beef Sandwich have been scoured from the most illuminate of texts. Word of mouth? Do you think the primary consumers of McPizza still walk the Earth with us today? The answer is Wikipedia. That great egalitarian bastion of worthless knowledge and insufferable Simpsons fans. Go ahead, you know you want to click.

Is it brilliant? Absolutley. Is it worth your time to try and make your own McHulaburger at home? Maybe. Is it the reason I haven't blogged in so long? Sure.

Addition: This is the long-lost commercial for the McDLT. For those of you that don't remember I will not ruin the greatest unnecessary packaging in fast-food history (yes, even more so than the big bag of chips filled with little bags of chips) but the commercial has a pre-Seinfeld Jason Alexander. Watch the commercial and then meditate upon how lucky Jason Alexander was to meet Jerry Seinfeld.


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