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We Are Experiencing Some Technical Difficulties

March 3, 2009 - Wes Burns
There have been some recent problems regarding our illustrious website here at the TR. While I do not know the exact problem I can only assume that:

1) the problem results from the tampering legions of gremlins jealous of our ability to inform the public of local-crazy people's rants

OR

2) some vast and all encompassing conspiracy targeted whose sole agenda is to deprive the world of my views on local advertisements and soda commercials.

Whichever of these highly plausible is true is irrelevant; the true victim here is you, the digital people, being left out of another week of barely cogent writing. With that in mind I give you the fabled "Lost Column" here, exclusively, on A Stranger's Opinion.

"How did “Slumdog Millionaire” win Best Picture?"

Maybe 48 hours after the fact is too late to complain for some but I continue to be amazed at this movie's continued success in the United States.

Did I see “Slumdog”? Well...no, but I'm guessing you didn't either. To my understanding the movie is as follows: Danny Boyle, the guy who directed a lot of movies with vomiting as a central plot point (Trainspotting, 28 Days) makes a movie about a kid who wins big on the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Confounding to my keen insight on the American condition is that so many of my countrymen have enjoyed this movie yet fail to realize that the entire plot is centered around the part of “Millionaire” that Americans hate.

Regis? No, they relegated him back to the morning doldrums. Apparently being Letterman's friend only gets you so far. They've got that lady from The View hosting now...the one that isn't Whoopi.

I'm talking about the part of “Millionaire” we can all hate. “Slumdog” is based around the kid's life experience giving him the answers to all the questions. This means that the kid has to explain all his answers.

We Americans don't care for that. We American's hated all the time wasted while listening to some part-time pottery teacher explain why it can't be answer D because she's from Oklahoma and would have remembered if Nikola Tesla had grown up there. We even changed “Millionaire” so there's a time limit.

I really shouldn't be surprised by any of this. The Oscar's were already teetering on the brink of irrelevancy when they somehow didn't nominate “Dark Knight” for anything beyond Heath Ledger's performance. Then they brought the host on.

Hugh Jackman. He played Wolverine in the X-Men movies. He's an accomplished stage and screen actor. He has failed to learn the incontrovertible truth of the Oscars which is “No one wants to see the extended dance number. No one.”

Its easy to want to blame the Oscar people (read: the academy) for this continued disconnect between what the audience wants and what the audience is going to get. I blame Jackman. This is the kind of guy possessing so little faculty he stared in Viva Laughlin; a television show of such ill repute that it bares the distinction of being in an elite fraternity of TV shows canceled after one airing.

What kind of shows could be that bad? “Heil Honey, I'm Home,” the sitcom staring Hitler and Eva Braun. Yes it is real. I believe my work is done.

ed. note: since the release of this column I have seen Slumdog Millionaire. And it was a great movie...not as good as Dark Knight but...whatever.

 
 

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