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Give'em a Raise!

April 3, 2009 - Wes Burns
Everybody's broke.

Just ask...anybody, really. Government has no money. Business has no money. I definitely have no money. So everyone is broke and, of course, everyone is at odds about how to fix it. Say what you will about the merits of the plan but the general consensus seems to be that you should spend more money. At least that's what they said on South Park.

So, taking all of my advice from Trey Parker and Matt Stone as I usually do, the idea is to spend more money. Also-Congress agrees. Where should the money go? Schools? Seems like a good idea but if we start giving the kids more powerful computers we're going to have Terminators on the streets inside of 10 years.

How about the corporations? They make money, they aren't supposed to get money.

How about just giving it to us? Take a trillion dollars and just divvy it up amongst the citizens? As much fun as that would be I'm not sure its in the best interest of the country to buy me a plasma screen TV. It wouldn't help the GDP but it would definitely help my XBox.

So what do we do? I say each state gets to give the money to the most deserving people. There are a lot of people who SHOULD get the money but, as far as Iowa is concerned, there is only one group of downtrodden people that should reap the windfall economic stimulus.

The people that have to clean up the one mile stretch between the Captiol Building and the State Courthouse.

Maybe you heard something today about the Iowa Supreme Court and gay marriage. We Iowans join the ranks of Massachusetts and Connecticut (really?) in allowing gay couples to marry. I really can't think of a stranger grouping of states to be on the same page about something than the three of us.

What you might not know is that the State Legislature is debating repealing a little known Iowa law where citizens are able to deduct the full amount of their federal income tax from their state taxes.

Taxes and homosexuality. You think anybody was protesting?

Large, sweaty groups of loud mouthed vociferous supporters on both sides of the aisle splitting their time between yelling slogans and unwrapping SunBelt granola bars (chocolate chip for the Court House, honey nut for the Capitol) all the while paying little attention to the opinions of others OR the final resting place of their wrapper piles.

Imagine the detritus gathering in that one mile area between the two buildings? A mere mile stretch clogged with the refuse of the hundreds of people whom could take the day off work and either protest or, more than likely, watch the protests; all the while wondering when the fried Snickers cart was going to come around.

Somebody has to clean that up. And give those people the money.

And give me some of the money too. I've got student loans to pay off.


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