I hope someone is reading this, for I fear all hope is lost. While I may not live through the day to see another human face I know that someone, somewhere will read these words and take caution.
As I write this I am hidden deep within the catacombs of the Times-Republican. Above are ever descending columns of alien invaders from beyond the moon, raining destruction from the skies.
We tried to make a break for the courthouse, back when there were seven of us. As soon as we stepped outside we were waylaid by some avarous yellow circle, drug addled from yellow pellets, relentlessly consuming all that was in his path.
Most of my companions were consumed quickly by the great yellow mouth; the rest were picked off my plasma rifle snipers and fire wielding plumbers.
Dodging monkey hurled barrels and amphetamine powered hedgehogs I was the last to make it to the fortress that is the T-R offices.
If I can do nothing else with this column it is to leave a message to future generations who find this recording: Please, don't be as foolish as we were, don't ignore the signs! Video games are real!
Once again Armageddon could have been avoided if we had only listened to the British. Not about the whole tea is better than coffee thing (that's ridiculous) but about the coming onslaught from our previously digital friends.
In September of 2011 Britains leading news magazine program Exposure released a story about the sordid history between the IRA terrorist group and Muammar Gadhafi. Showing the kind of journalistic integrity reserved only for British television journalists the good people at Exposure narrated some shocking footage of IRA soldiers using a missile launcher to shoot down a helicopter in flight. With a shaky "IRA film 1988" tile at the bottom of the screen the narrator continued (this is verbatim) "This was what the security forces feared most," said the voiceover. "It may have been a lucky hit, but for the army and crew once was enough. No one died in this attack."
Well no one died in the attack because the footage they showed of this atrocious act just so happened to be from the video game Arma 2, released in 2009.
If only we had listened!
What the British knew then, and what we now under the despotic rule of Bowser know now, is that our once expendable video game characters are real, angry, and full of ammo.
Is there anything that can be done? We've been playing and beating video games for years! Yes we can!
No we can't! We only have one life, these guys have at least three. I can hear that dog from Duck Hunt laughing at us right now.
If you can read this, hide. Hide until you can no longer hear the sound of coins being collected, until the last ghost stops blinking, hide until the game inevitably glitches and they have to replay the invasion.
Me? I can't stay here much longer, even now I can see an army of zombies and linebackers tearing at the door. I only have one chance: I'm going to try the Konami code. Wish me luck.
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.