Van De Walle Household, Iowa - Well, it's happened again. A normally quiet household - save for the one-year-old that whines to go into the kitchen so she can turn over the cat bowl and spill food everywhere for no good reason - has been struck again by the elusive Invisible Bruiser.
That's one explanation by husband and self-proclaimed scientist Kelly Van De Walle to explain his wife's frequent random bruises.
"One of my theories is that a four-inch-tall invisible ninja sneaks into our bedroom at night and uses my wife's skin as a dojo as he practices karate on her legs, arms, shoulders and back. Of course, this is just one of my many theories, all of which are probably right."
Like crop circles, these mysterious yet tender purple, green and black welts appear daily without warning and with no plausible explanation and lead to a 100 percent increase in squeamish expressions by male household members.
"I have no idea how they get there," said a baffled Ms. Van De Walle, pointing to a bruise on her calf. "They aren't from my husband. Lord knows I could take him. They just show up and hey, where did THAT one come from?!"
During the course of her statement another bruise was discovered on the back of the arm in the shape of a miniature taco. Van De Walle neither confirmed nor denied that she had recently been attacked by an army of mini-tacos.
"A gnat could sneeze on my wife's knee and she'd somehow get a bruise the rough size and shape of Mitt Romney's head," said Kelly. "It's incredibly distressing."
It's estimated that at any given moment Ms. Van De Walle is roughly 35 percent bruise.
"She'll walk up to me all cheerful and say 'Hey, did I show you my latest bruise?' like it's the latest episode of Breaking Bad and this is something I look forward to. But no matter what, I always look. And every time I wish I hadn't because it looks like the most painful thing ever."
Kelly says he attempts to avert his eyes, in part because it's not a pleasant site, but also because he fears that looking too intently at her will cause another bruise.
"I tell her that instead of buying more clothes from the GAP, she should buy some with more protection -like medieval armor. Unfortunately my solutions fall on deaf and bruised ears."
We need to get to the bottom of whoever is doing this. Until then, Scientist Kelly shares bruise treatment secrets he pulled from the Internet.
1. Apply cold
Cold can minimize a bruise, however my wife finds it distressing when I follow her around the house with a bag of frozen peas.
2. Guard all vulnerable areas
Heeding this advice I placed a guard dog outside of the gap in our backyard fence, though I don't know what this has to do with my wife's bruising. Also, I'm now wearing a cup.
3. Crush parsley leaves
It's difficult to put spices on your wife or girlfriend and try to explain how you're NOT doing it before putting them in soup.
4. Eat citrus fruit
Unfortunately, when I first read this I thought it said to eat circus fruit, so my wife was absolutely right to question why we were having peanuts and cotton candy every day for a week.
5. Replace all furniture with giant stuffed animals or move to a house made of marshmallows
This one is my suggestion. It just makes sense.
Plausible bruise-causing explanations:
She is part of a secret roller derby team and skates under the name "The Ferocious Python."
She is actually a malfunctioning Roomba and spends her days running into her office desk, reversing, then smacking it again.
To make extra money, she is an unequipped practice goalie for the Detroit Red Wings.
She's just learning to walk.
She's sustaining the bruises deliberately to gain sympathy from her work colleagues.
She sleep-tumbles down hills.
Every morning she forgets how to handle the Earth's gravity.
They really are crop circles and serve as directional landmarks to tiny aliens.