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WORK IT with the max ab blaster!

November 27, 2011
By KELLY VAN DE WALLE ( , Times-Republican

Thanksgiving is notoriously known for group over-eating, in large part because it's physically impossible not to. As you lay lethargically back in your chair, gravy silently dripping out of your open mouth, the only thing that can possibly make you feel worse about yourself is watching someone exercise. Luckily, we have no shortage of infomercials and products that guarantee to turn you into a chiseled God. They all follow the same basic script.

Crud Fluxhammer: "Hello. We're the sexy, muscley and impossibly-sculpted actors in no way paid for endorsing the product you're about to see. You'll recognize me, audience, I'm shirtless! I'm always shirtless. In fact, I don't even OWN a shirt. My abs are allergic. Segue!"

Julianne Brassiere: "Hi, I'm a sexy woman in a solid color sports bra! Look at me smile manically while using this product! Whatever this thing is, it's so much fun! Have you ever seen a smile THIS BIG IN YOUR ENTIRE STINKIN' LIFE?! If only these shorts were tighter!"

CF: "Using no hyperbole whatsoever, we're here to tell you about the most innovative piece of exercise equipment EVER. Until, of course, there's that new thing that someone pays us to endorse!"

Julianne Brassiere: "Wow, Crud, that's a really big word you just used! I'd use big words too but due to the tightness of my shorts I can't focus on anything! In fact, I'm about to pass ou-

[sound of unconscious body hitting floor]

CF: "It's the Max Ab Blasting Chub Annihilator 6000!"

JB: "It actually turned a pan full of kiwi-strawberry Jell-O into Matthew McConaughey!"

[sound of unconscious body hitting floor again]

CF: "Woah, I didn't see you there as I was coming out of my shower, coincidentally flexing my incredible abs. I have so many camera and lighting crews coming and going every day that I don't even notice anymore. CLOSE UP ON MY BICEPS!

JB: "CLOSE UP ON MY BUNS! Wow, that was normal. You know, sometimes, when I'm smiling for a good long time, I'll head into my clandestine, windowless white room for an intense - but fun! ? workout on THIS machine. Look at how I glide when using it! I'm like a sexy pterodactyl - a sexy pterodactyl that has incredible buns! I LOVE ANIMALS!"

CF: "CLEARLY I obtained this physique by making half semi-circles on my knees, which may or may not be what you do with this machine. Because that's the secret to looking like me ? semicircles. Don't believe me, well maybe you'll believe a PROTEIN SHAKE YOUR FACE!!

JB: "You'll notice that we're always shown with just the right sexy amount of sweat, what the camera crews having JUST caught us in the middle of working out ? you know, a typical Tuesday.

CF: "It's time to pause so you can look at four ugly, flabby people trying feebly to do a sit-up ? one of nature's most difficult tasks. Look at them! So much pain! And they aren't even in color! They're stuck in black-and-whitesville! Suckers! If only they had this Max Ab Revolutionizer Plus their lives would be sexier and they'd be able to experience light's full spectrum!"

JB: "What's that now? You want to conduct an interview with me? Well I'm hardly prepared with just this script to read. I guess I'll give it a shot."

CF: "Now we're going to have this older dude wearing a white coat talk about science!"

Possibly Real Doctor But Probably Not: "Thanks, shirtless smiling guy! Look, I know about science. I mean, take a gander at me. I have a white coat and beard. That should be enough for you people. I also am wearing a stethoscope for absolutely no reason to make it completely obvious. You can trust me because I'm pointing to a graph and looking very serious as I talk to this other actor. Just listen to my science! 'Dynamic inertia!' 'Gyroscopic rotation!' 'Other nonsense sciencey phrase!' That's how this thing ? whatever it is ? is superior to normal sit-ups, or push-ups or whatever. Not only that, but sit-ups can kill. So if you want to keep doing sit-ups and probably die, by all means don't let m,e a possible MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, stop you."

CF: "Have we mentioned how convenient the STORAGE is? Oh bison meat, it's incredible! This giant thing can fold up a little flap to make it a bit LESS of a giant thing! You can lean it against ANY WALL!

JB: "Talk about convenient! MY SMILE CAN BLIND KITTENS!"

CF: "And talk about fun and easy. Just look at us together in our matching colorful outfits as we coordinate our SWEET moves! If there was an Olympic event for people who do things in an advertisement they never do in real life, we would totally enter!

JB: "You can tell how much fun we're having by the smiles on our faces ? you know, natural, non-creepy smiles that everyone has when they're straining their muscles. You bet your finely-sculpted abs that those loser black-and-whiters aren't smiling! Ours are smiles of EXTREME FITNESS and not due to our pre-workout shakes of rhino urine and cobra venom!

CF: "Here comes my favorite part! Striking the arms-crossed pose! Sometimes I'll mix it up and look down and away."

JB: "One more close-up shot of my buns!"


Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative writer for Briscoe14 Communications ( He can be reached at or via pepperoni pizza message.



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