Every year, millions of people make New Year's resolutions that last a day or so ? sometimes an afternoon. If I have any problems, it's usually the result of other people. If you think about it, it's really other people that need to work harder at being more acceptable humans. If everything goes according to plan and other members of society are better people, I won't have to do anything, which is really my ultimate resolution.
Honestly, I don't know why I need to make any resolutions, which is why one of mine was to resolve not to give into peer pressure. But I'm breaking that one in order to help you achieve yours. Need some ideas for resolutions of your own? Look no further than this.
1. Everyone should just resolve to be nicer to me and give me free stuff. Not extravagant things, mind you. I don't need a Lamborghini. I'll settle for a BMW. One of the classier models though, cheapskate.
2. I resolve to make 2012 the year I eat more caramel corn.
3. Adopt an animal, preferably a rhinoceros.
4. Eliminate all fatty foods by consuming them quickly so they're no longer tempting.
5. Manage stress by refusing to lift heavy things. Better yet, refuse to lift any thing.
6. Create a country. Frutopia?
7. Become a recording star. What do you do, record wind or something?
8. Learn a new skill: wizardry, jousting, commodities trading, LASIK surgery, etc.
9. Purchase a union civil war uniform and haunt an old Southern gentleman.
10. Become really good at the harmonica. Failing that, listen to a song with some guy that's really good at the harmonica.
11. Figure out a way to convert kinetic energy created by Shake Weight to power smoothie maker.
12. Invent things (car that runs on smiles, artificial heart that pumps candy, heated shovel/MP3 player, chocolate gun, etc.).
13. Make new friends, especially ones with hot tubs.
14. Learn to sleep with eyes open to prevent sneak attacks.
15. Stop lying. The only reason I'd want to sleep with my eyes open is to freak out my wife.
16. Become a conductor (train or orchestra but preferably both simultaneously to invent new profession: Super Conductor).
17. Complete other people's lists of resolutions first.
18. Become a leader of a country (which would also satisfy #6)
19. Finally help that poor, neglected Nigerian Prince that keeps emailing me (he seems legit).
20. Spend more time on the computer. People's Facebook photos aren't going to look at themselves. I'm sure my family would agreewherever they are.
21. Stop being scared of girls.
22. Become more adept at learning people's names. It's becoming clear not everyone likes being called "Slugger." This is especially true of immediate family.
23. Burn 400 calories daily by every day lighting a cheeseburger on fire.
24. Stop asking Subway sandwich artists to copy famous impressionist painters' artwork on my sandwiches in honey mustard.
25. Stop being afraid of public restrooms and urinating with other people. Enter stalls with confidence. If bathroom is vacant, ask several strangers to accompany me.
26. Develop catchphrases (early possibilities: "Blammo!"; "A talking monkey is the least of your concerns"; "What IS that smell?" "We'll meet again in a fortnight"; "Girl, that's bananas!")
27. Wear more camouflage.
28. Take care of body by preserving it. As such, I resolve to sleep in a hyperbaric chamber filled with formaldehyde.
29. Befriend Hugh Grant. Or destroy him. Probably destroy him. Him and his stupid face.
30. Install secret trap door. Find a good snake guy. Don't tell wife.
31. Try some really weird fruit (Rambutan?) then brag about it for weeks.
32. Watch more than one home improvement show this year before demolishing kitchen.
33. Befriend a lumberjack.
34. Teach daughter survivor skills. Also, learn survivor skills. I'm pretty sure all mushrooms are okay to eat.
35. Continue the wife-favorite game "Find the jockstrap."
36. Become more informed by clicking on news links I normally ignore, for instance: "Zac Efron Reveals How Tom Cruise Taught Him to Ride Motorcycle."
37. Write a song about loving a woman and how she may or may not return the sentiment (has this been done yet?).
38. Stop being grossed out by the dry, crusty bits that form on the edges of ketchup and mustard bottles.
39. Give fists awesome nicknames like Vlad the Impaler and General Zod.
40. Become the world's best yo-yoer. Invent new trick where yo-yo walks actual dog. Embrace fame, but try to remain true to self. Failing that, pay someone to be my former self while new self sits by pool full of ladies.
41. If I'm going to burn effigies, make sure to put some effort into making them this year.
42. Figure out why wife wants to smell attractive Hollywood actors. Determine once-and-for-all if "smell" is code for "make out with."