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Dashboard dining

February 17, 2012
By Wes Burns , Times-Republican

Since when I am supposed to go to a drive thru to eat breakfast?

Since I go into work sometime in the mid-afternoon I feel I can lay judgement on this fast food phenomenon in an objective manner; notably because I can't get fast food breakfast unless I go "around the horn" till 4 a.m. A rare treat and usually the result of a benevolent cabbie taking pity on my biscuitless existence and driving me through on the way home.

We are all familiar with the famous McBreakfast at the golden arches. Being the first name in Food You Won't Admit You Eat they set the standard for fast food breakfast.

Its a simple three step process. First you turn the dial on the Meat-o-Matic from "burger" to "sausage" so that patties have the right level of what we've agreed to call "spice."

Second you take all the remaining fries from the night before, grind them into a paste, reshape them as flat disks, then put them back in the frier to emerge as 'hashbrowns.'

Third you turn the coffee up to "lawsuit" level heat, throw a shot of milkshake into each cup and call it "gourmet coffee."

Simple as that. It's fast, it's greasy, and it never deviates or disappoints.

Sure, there were the initial imitators to the great McMeal; the Kingdom of Burger is well known for their bizarre attempts to create their own name in drive through breakfast. Often times these items contain outlandish nonsense words such as "dippin" or "snak-size" or "organic."

They are almost always served atop some precarious cardboard pedestal with accompanying sidecar of sauce, allegedly designed to fit into the cupholder of your car as you hurdle to work, a mixture of icing and hot coffee spilling from your mouth as you peel out of the drive thru screaming after realizing your breakfast dippin sticks have caused you to once again be late for work.

These were the accepted fast food breakfasts; they were an emergency food-like product that you purchased due to hunger, hangover, and/or having an early morning doctor's appointment for your child.

And yet now I see Subway, that only fast food chain with the audacity to make a 'healthy living' claim while sending that pasty faced goober Jared out as symbol of the benefits of their product, is getting into the breakfast game.

So Subway, a restaurant best known for serving sandwiches in the same plastic bag your newspaper came in, has decided to muscle in on the fast food breakfast market.

Can Subway maintain their healthy stance while entering the early morning grease trap that is fast food breakfast?

After finding their breakfast menu online I came across the B.M.T. Melt; a concoction of eggs, ham, salami, pepperoni and cheese served on an English muffin.

Has Subway abandoned their principles for a mere taste of that inexplicably large drive thru breakfast money?

Not at all! According to their menu we have all been invited to "Try it today on a hot toasted light wheat English muffin with all your favorite crisp veggies!"

Oh, the English muffin is "light wheat," that means its healthy! And crisp veggies! What veggies does the picture show?

Tomatoes. And bacon. The vegetables list included bacon.

This is why my breakfast consists of coffee and cigarettes; it may not be healthy but at least it never pretends to be.



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