Quick question: Are we all dead?
Normally this isn't something that you really have to ask. You just look around, and if you see people, place, things, pretty much any nouns, then the answer is "no."
Of course I'm writing this on Thursday night and your answer may very well be different Friday.
That's right, we're all going to die ... again.
It's time for Signs of Armageddon 2012!
Now, we all know that movies, TV shows and some of our less sober friends have been saying that the Mayans predicted we were all going to die sometime in December of this year.
Until now I've been more than happy to lump these people in with the Y2K people, those Hale-Bopp Comet guys and people who think the Large Hadron Collider is going to blow up the universe.
But then the tell tale signs that something is VERY wrong with life on Earth have started to emerge, and they have become too hard to ignore.
Sign 1: Solar Flare.
Did you know that right now you are being bombarded with massive solar radiation? I mean, more than normal?
The two remaining guys working at NASA reported that 1: Their paychecks were bouncing and 2: A massive solar storm had erupted on the Sun sometime Tuesday.
Oh, and a huge wave of solar radiation was hurdling towards Earth ... so, you know, be careful.
Thanks, NASA. I?can't imagine why you lost the public trust.
Alright, so that's one little celestial event, there has to be something happening here on Earth, right?
Sign 2: The Doritos Taco.
That's right. Crack Taco Bell foodologists and flavoronimists have somehow circumvented the laws of conventional physics and combined the allegedly edible Taco Bell taco with the finger staining goodness of a Dorito into one irresistible food brilliantly called The Taco Bell Doritos taco.
It is a taco made with a giant Dorito chip as the shell. I'm going to give you a minute to fully grasp that concept.
Not since the discovery of putting potato chips inside a sandwich has such a fiendishly simply food combo grasped the imagination of a nation.
But, with great snacking comes great responsibility. Instead of regulating the distribution of this dangerous hybrid food-like product Taco Bell is selling them to the general populous.
With our citizenry dangerously over satisfied by Taco Bell can it be long until we are so inert we will pose no threat to whatever apocalyptic forces may be headed our way come December.
But you can't just keep eating Taco Bell tacos, right? No matter how unnaturally delicious they may be, eventually people will grow tired of them, unless something else is acting upon them. Some heretofore unseen force driving taco consumption.
And for that matter, where is Pat Robertson on this latest round of doom saying?
Sign 3: Pat Robertson is calling for the legalization of marijuana.
Its all over, people! Grab the tinfoil hats and head to the basement because Mr. 700 club just said pot should be legal.
This isn't Robertson's first Doomsday rodeo. He famously said that the world was going to end sometime in October or November of 1982. He was partially correct; I?think a little bit of the world did die after Dionne Warwick released "Heartbreaker."
So now Robertson, who once ran for the Republican presidential nomination, is calling for pot to be legal? Why, exactly?
Well, according to such unscrupulous sources as the Associated Press, The New York Times and the Washington Post Mr. Robertson believes the war on drugs has cost the country billions of dollars and provided little results. "I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol," Robertson told the New York Times.
Pat Robertson is trying to bring about the end of the world!
With our country spending the rest of 2012 downing radioactive Doritos tacos in a pot fueled munchy binge we will be sitting ducks when Armageddon comes knocking at the door.
And who we be there to save humanity? The British? The Canadians? One of those "other" countries?
Lets get serious. If the apocalypse is coming, its hitting the United States first. That's the way it happens in all the movies.
So line your windows with tin foil, grab a flashlight and start doomsaying like its 1999.
Unless we're already dead. In which case sit back and enjoy, not a lot we can do about it now.
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.