According to most "fitness experts" and paid spokespersons the key problem with getting people to exercise is motivation.
Also most people don't have the scientifically balanced, 30 DVD exercise routine complete with diet guide and Ab-Smasher exercise ball. Don't worry, they can sell you that part.
But who listens to the suspiciously shiny people of late night exercise infomercials? With program names that read like a list of rejected energy drinks (P90X? Insanity?) they might not be the most credible source on how best to motivate.
But what if the name of the program DIDN'T sound like a clothing store for skateboarders? What if, instead of the aforementioned shiny folk the person trying to motivate me (read: motivator) it was a serious person, or a few serious people? And what if these people had absolutely nothing to do with one another other than their need to motivate me ... for a small price?
Behold! The Get Motivated! Seminar in Des Moines! Yes, that second exclamation point is how they spell it.
Now, you may not have heard about this most auspicious of events, despite being a mere 45 minutes away. Not all of us were lucky enough to be placed on the JUNK MAIL list, so I will share my fortune with you all.
Imagine the best team you've ever seen. The Founding Fathers, Seal Team 6, the X-Men; great individuals coming together to make a team more powerful than any of them alone.
The Constitution? A great accomplishment indeed.
Now, imagine how much better the Founding Fathers would have fared if Bill Cosby was there?
I support the right to bear Jello pudding!
The Get Motivated! Seminar doesn't just have the power of the Cos; they have landed the kind of lineup that makes the NBA All Star Team look like the Washington Generals.
You want motivational stories featuring ham handed metaphors about sports? Then say hello to speakers Fred Hoiberg, Kirk Ferentz and Hall of Famer Joe Montana!
You want stories of how an honored journalist's career was obliterated by a single story, then found "redemption" on a low rate cable channel owned by Dallas Mavericks owner and shaved Sasquatch Marc Cuban? Then how about Dan Rather!
Politics? Ever heard of Robert Gibbs? No ... well, I?hadn't heard of him either. I?guess he was the first press secretary for Obama.
Well, how about Karl "Mini Cheney" Rove? How about Steve Forbes? Huh? Ever heard of Steve Forbes?
Also- Lisa Sasevich. I'm told she's some kind of sales person and quite good at her job.
According to their website's video "spaceship, traffic jam, the Olympics, Moses, George Washington, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, a syringe, the word 'Critical,' and Lance Armstrong."
I'm sure the video would have been more informative but I was watching it with the sound off. From what I can surmise the idea is that motivation is motivating and that people who are motivated are indeed motivated. And that Dr. King may have poisoned Lance Armstrong.
Finally, someone with vision assembles this rogues gallery of people I can't imagine willing to spend time with one another unless receiving LARGE paychecks, all with the intention of getting me motivated! Woooo! Motivation! I'm going to learn how to be the best me I can be!
When is this meeting of the minds? This cavalcade of creativity?
8am? Seriously? That's not going to happen; no way I'm out of bed before noon, let alone 8am.
Maybe I'll just order one of those Magic Bullet blenders, that sounds motivating. And if it isn't, then at least I?can make a milkshake.
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.