Sign In | Create an Account | Welcome, . My Account | Logout | Subscribe | Submit News | Contact Us | Home RSS

A return to the wheelhouse

April 27, 2012
By Wes Burns , Times-Republican

I want you people to know that I?tried, I?really did.

And not that kind of "oh, I?tried to quit smoking once" trying; actual trying, not just smoking your friends' cigarettes and never buying a pack.

That's not quitting, that's mooching.

I had expected to write today's column about our friend Mr. Gingrich, Newty if you will.

As you may well have heard Newty is suspending his campaign to be the Republican presidential nominee. Apparently Mr. Gingrich has recently suffered an attack of sudden onset reality and figured that staying in the race wasn't going to help him get his moon bases established anytime soon.

This is perfect, what could be better than Mr. Moon Man stepping aside so that Lord Romney can ascend to the throne?

But is Newty the best use of these hallowed column inches? Isn't there some organization trying to steal our very lives away from under us?

Its called Google Drive and its not stealing if you hand it over willingly.

In yet another effort to offer more and more free products while simultaneously stockpiling more cash then Scrooge McDuck the good people at Google have offered a little service called Google Drive.

This is not a self driving car, which is disappointing to say the least.

Instead, the Google Drive is an online storage drive where you can save your movies, pictures, first draft movie scripts, rejection letters, second draft scripts, other rejection letters, threatening letters, restraining orders and prison visitation schedules.

Sounds like a good idea, but people seem to have a little problem with it.

It turns out that, as part of the user agreement for this most free of services, you have to give up the rights to anything and everything that you put on your Google Drive.

You know, a little problem.

According to Google that part of the agreement is just boiler plate legalese (the indecipherable language of the American legal system) and does not mean they will do exactly what they just told you they will do.

If it is one thing contracts are known for its being filled with clauses you can just ignore.

Ok, so Gingrich is off in suspended campaign land with Herman Cain and everybody else that can't figure out how to say "quit" and Google has figured out a way to get everybody to sign over their rights to everything they own or make that can be stored digitally. This all seems like perfect column fodder ... until I?saw the pizza.

I told myself I wasn't going to do another column about the ridiculous enterprise that is fast food ... at least not until May. Then someone showed me a commercial for a pizza crust that consists entirely of cheese burgers.

We're through the looking glass here, people.

I assumed they meant that the crust was filled with sauce, cheese and a paltry amount of what pizza places decided to call "hamburger."

I was wrong, I?was so wrong.

In an attempt to usurp the title of "Most Food Designed to Kill You" from its ancestral home here in the United States the right jolly chaps of the United Kingdom Pizza Hut have concocted a pizza whose crust exists only as cheese burgers. Actual burgers. Tiny bun, tiny burger, tiny piece of cheese.

And yet this most potent of pizzas is NOT for sale in the United States? I believe what we are seeing is the beginning of a fast food arms race, each side rapidly escalating both the size and scope of their edible arsenals. We create the Dorito Taco, they answer with the Burger Crust Pizza. We create Mountain Dew Throwback, they answer with a veritable rainbow of undrinkably bad Fanta. We create the Bread Bowl, they burn down our capital. Those events may have occurred in a different order, but the sentiment remains the same.

So lets give it up once again for fast food! In a week of Gingrich suspending, Google spying, secret service sex scandal and mining asteroids in space the burger crust pizza takes the top spot for most ludicrous thing in the world.

Well played, arrogantly unhealthy food, well played.


Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or



I am looking for: