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Dating advice from Capt. Dr. Romance Esquire

May 20, 2012
By KELLY VAN DE WALLE ( , Times-Republican

Judging by a survey I just took in my head, it comes as no surprise to learn that women find me rather wonderful. Whenever I ask my wife to name my best qualities, she struggles to come up with any. I wouldn't know where to begin either.

Now, there are a lot of guys out there asking, "How can I be as successful with women as you?" Granted, they are probably asking that of Brad Pitt or Zach Efron (whose name sounds like a type of spice. "This meat is a bit bland. Please pass me the effron.) but for the sake of my ego we'll assume there are many throngs of single men anxiously awaiting my secrets. Here's a quick peek to help you win at dating.

Your first duty is to find a lady. No problem. Simply go to places were ladies are known to gather, like a gym or chocolate store. You'll need something to break the ice, which is why I present you these Surefire Pickup Lines:

"Hey! I like your hat" (note: significantly more effective if targeted woman is wearing a hat)

"I have a sports car" (don't worry, it can be imaginary and, therefore sort of true)

"I know what you're thinking and, yes, I am that acting/sports star you're thinking of."'

"That chocolate is sweet and tasty, much like your face!"

"Need a ride home? Because I know where you live. Ha ha! Just kidding! But, seriously, go out with me!"

OK, now you have a date. Once you set a time and location it's time to step up your game. First impressions are crucial, which is why you should wear something to attract as much attention to yourself as possible. This is why I always went on first dates wearing a musketeer hat. Not only are they stylish, they carry with them a sense of adventure, as if at any moment you could swing from a chandelier or sword fight with a villain. If you don't have a musketeer hat, a 'coonskin cap will work in a pinch. This signals to the lady that you're rugged and are able to kill and skin things if needed. Just be sure to take off the price tag before wearing it. Oh, and make sure it's a raccoon, and not some other type of animal like a possum or mink or something, because that'd be weird.

Now that she's spotted you, she might do this hilarious thing where she acts like she doesn't recognize you or turns and walks away. Just chase her down and give her a hug and assure her that she's not the first to fear your pure manliness.

Now, sometimes women like you to open doors for them, but sometimes they don't. You can't afford to get this wrong, so to cover your bases by simply opening the door halfway.

What you smell like is just as important as your appearance, so as she's trying to squeeze through a half-open door you've graciously sort of opened she'll get a whiff of your scent. Your hat should have its own aroma. For the musketeer hat that would be the scent of fearlessness. For the 'coonskin, that should be frontiersman. If you just don't exude this naturally you can easily replicate it. Colognes are too expensive, so all you have to do is fill your pockets with hickory wood chips, pine needles and Irish Spring soap.

I've read in magazines that women like a "take charge" kind of guy, which is why, when she starts talking about herself you should immediately steer the conversation back to you.

Woman: "Not that you asked, but I'm an attorney and own my own firm called"

You: "You know what's a good movie? The Firm with Tom Cruise. Some people say I look like him, only more handsome and daredevily."

Women like men who have a sense of humor, this according to numerous magazine articles that keep re-interviewing the same six women who dislike that whole "rugged handsomeness" thing. So get a joke in there.

You: "What do you have if you have three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement."

Woman: "You know I'm a lawyer. "

You: "Ha ha! Thank you."

To further prove how much of a "take charge" gent you are, you can order for your date. Take this expert example from a date I won.

Waiter: "Can I take your orders?"

Me: "Yes. I will have the ribs and the lady here will have the marinated sea bass," I said, giving her a little wink.

The Lady: "Actually, I'm a vegetarian."

Me: "I know, which is why I ordered you fish, " I replied, giving the waiter a you-might-want-to-bring-the-check-early-on-this-one" look.

Waiter (uncomfortable): "Sir, this is Perkins. We don't have any of that."

Me (visibly frustrated): "Who recommended this place anyway?"

The Lady: "You did."

Me: "That doesn't sound right, liar."

The Lady: "You said you had a coupon."

Women find fewer things hotter than a man practicing fiscal responsibility.

After eating your meal ? without silverware, of course ? she will be eager to leave and tell all of her friends about this incredible date. It's hard to blame her.

When you call her cell phone and find a recording saying "this number is no longer in service" it's a clear indication she likes you so much she's already in the process of adding herself to your cell phone account. Unfortunately at this point it's always best to just walk away. After all, you don't want to date someone that's weird. As always, you're welcome.


Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative writer for Briscoe14 Communications ( He can be reached at or via moose call. Yes, he speaks fluent moose.



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