Below is a series of letters written to a dirty thief.
June 19, 2012
Dear tiny chipmunk thief,
Is it OK that I call you "tiny?" Truth be told, I don't really know how you compare, size-wise, to the rest of your genus. Or species. Other another science-y term. No matter what your size in comparison to your kin, you should not be in my garden, feeding on my vegetables; you should be indoors in a clear plastic globe and given the name Biscuits by some four-year-old because that'd just be precious. I guess what I'm saying is know your place in this world, chipmunk. I'll give you a hint, that place is anywhere but my garden.
OK, I need to focus on your criminal actions, not your chubby cheeks. Listen, I will not be taken in by your cute, loveable stare that makes me want to pick you up and feed you eggnog out of a tiny bottle. I planted this garden and would prefer harvesting something more substantial than stems. For that to happen, you need to vacate the area immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.
p.s. Do you know Alvin, Simon & Theodore? I'd love some autographs if it were not too much trouble.
June 23, 2012
I'm going to call you Biscuits. You're cool with that, right? I say that because you're obviously cool with a lot of things, for instance making an adorable burrow directly IN my rosemary, which is killing it. Thanks for that, by the way. I don't need fresh spices to jazz up my meals. Dried rosemary is pretty much the same thing, right?
Incidentally, you DO realize that you burrowed your home into where I placed manure, right? Waitis that your"thing" or something? Gross, Biscuits. Justgross.
Look, I know one of your favorite spots is chillin' in my garage's downspout because I see you peeking your cute, dumb little nose out whenever you think I'm not looking. Trust me, I am. I AM ALWAYS LOOKING. Looking right at your tin,y jerk nose that smells my tomatoes before devouring them WITHOUT EVEN ASKING. I had a college roommate that ate other people's food without asking. Nobody liked him (hint, hint).
Look, I don't want this to escalate any further so do us all a favor and beat it.
p.s. If you're going to live on my property, I expect some rent. Cough it up, freeloader.
p.p.s. Just for clarification, there is a BIG difference between fresh and dried spices, moron.
July 1, 2012
Well look at that! I see you've eaten additional tomatoes. Stop it. What, are you too lazy to go to the store or something?
Do you honestly think your little whiskers are going to fool me? "Oh, hey everybody, it's tiny Tom Selleck!" you're hoping I'm thinking. "I can't ask him to leave!" Let me assure you, I see straight through this faade (which is a word you probably don't even know) and I happen to know Tom Selleck is a considerate person with a beautiful smile and wouldn't stoop to vegetable theft. He's quite successful and has the means to purchase produce.
Let me save you the trouble and tell you it's not worth the effort to buy fake glasses, which I assume is your next step. I CANNOT BE FOOLED. I don't even know where you'd get the currency to make such a purchase, either, and what clerk would accept it? Plus, you lack the appropriate dexterity to write a check (not to mention the small fact that you need to BE HUMAN TO OPEN A CHECKING ACCOUNT. I know this because my dad was some kind of banker sonur).
Look, I'm sending you THIS letter because I can see my first two are right where I left them, unopened. Three should be a not-so-subtle hint. If you're anything like me, you hate it when your mail piles up. It's so annoying!
You know, what? Go ahead and spend all your money on disguises. I hope you go into credit card debt, which is VERY SERIOUS according to my dad.
p.s. I hate you.
p.p.s. Where are we on the autographs? I kinda promised my daughter.
July 3, 2012
You have sinister eyes. That's what I've determined. The more I stare into them as I'm watering parts of my yard you haven't devoured the less cute I realize they truly are. I'm SO telling people. Your free ride is over.
Sincerely (I'm not falling for your cuteness anymore),
p.s. Okay, FINE, your eyes are super cute and I'm jealous. There. ARE YOU SATISFIED?!
p.p.s. I am smarter than you and will best you. Think of me as Liam Neeson and you are anybody that opposes Liam Neeson.
Stay tuned to next week to discover if I achieved cross-species communication!
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or via diabolical underground chipmunk-free lair with moats and lasers and such. Follow him on Twitter @pancake_bunny or risk making him sad.