"I think we should go on a diet."
It wasn't my idea but at the time it sounded like a sound thought. My wife is beautiful, but if she wants to eat healthier and lose some weight (not that she needs to!) who am I to argue?
"Okay," I said. "Our daughter has been looking kind of pudgy lately. She keeps eating all that pudding I keep giving her because she gets so excited and grabs my face to give me a kiss. I mean, she has absolutely no willpower. And I don't think she can do a single pushup."
"No, not me and her," she replied. "You and me."
"Like, the two of us."
"Me and you. You being Kelly."
"I'm sorry, it sounded for a moment like you said my name."
"I'm not sure what we're talking about anymore so let's just change the topic to cutest endangered animals. The tree kangaroo is my pick. It looks like a fox, dog and kangaroo!"
"I'm saying you and I need to go on a diet."
"Are you calling me fat?!" I shouted, horrified, before running crying into the bathroom and locking the door. "I'm not coming out EVER! You're so MEAN!"
I've never had the need for a diet as I have the metabolism of a fetal hummingbird, which apparently annoys all ladies. I've also found gaining sympathy from this disorder is simply impossible.
Me (standing on scale, looking forlorn): "Man! I didn't gain a single pound this week! In fact, I lost three!"
Wife: "Oh my God. Nobody cares."
Me: "Thanks for your support!"
I'm often attempting to put on weight as hard as my wife is trying to lose it.
"I'll just give you some of mine," she'll say.
For the record, the correct response to this is not: "Haha, but I'm trying to gain muscle."
Hungry women always take things the wrong way.
Until now, the only diets I've been on consisted of not eating things I considered to be "junk." This comes in particularly handy when at dinner parties with friends.
Friend: "Here, Kelly, you have to try this hummus."
Me: "Not really, no."
Friend: "It's homemade!"
Me: "I'm sorry, I'm on a diet."
Friend: "But hummus is healthy!"
Me: "I should clarify. My diet doesn't allow me to eat disgusting things offered from people that used to be my friends. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go make new friends, ones that believe in cocktail wieners."
It came as no surprise when my wife clarified that this was more for her health than mine, which goes to show you the incredible shape I'm in and my wife's utter lack of concern for my well being.
"Kelly, look, I need your support with this," she said, seriously.
I placed my hand on her shoulder and looked lovingly at her face, giving her my soft kitten eyes. A small smile formed on my lips. She stared back, feeling my strength and love for her. Our bond had never been stronger.
"No," I replied, lovingly. "This is your stupid idea."
"You're going to do it."
And right there I decided I was going to aid her. I'm so selfless I make Mother Teresa look like a serial murderer.
I gave her two options.
Option A : "I will support you," I replied, "by smelling whatever nasty stuff you make while eating my double bacon cheeseburger and side of pizza."
Option B: "How about instead of other people in this house changing their eating habits, anytime I see you put something bad into your mouth I just, like, squirt you in the face with vinegar and eat it myself?"
Here is the stupid book diet I'm going on with my appropriate responses.
That sounds made up. Why not say "No phoenix feathers, pixie dust or unicorn horn?" But it's fun to say. Leguuuumes.
No legumes (beans, peas, peanuts, lentils)
Oh no! No lentils?! I eat them every day! You know, from a lentil bush. I sometimes just go on weekend-long lentil binges. Lentils. Psha. This is going to be easy.
ButbutbutI like bread! It's kind of an important ingredient in sandwiches. And what about pie crust? I guess when you think about it, the crust is just an edible filling holder. I'll just eat the filling. Sacrifices have to be made. I can do this.
You mean except milk and cheese, right?
No dairy (including milk and cheese)
You're heartless. I can probably do this.
Don't eat a lot of fruit.
Okay, WHAT? Fruit is nature! What's wrong with fruit? What am I supposed to eat, tree bark? I will begrudgingly do this because I love my wife.
No sugar or sweeteners
How about "No fun?" You could've just said that, book. I hate you. See, I'm getting cranky from this diet already! At least I can drink my sorrows away. I might do this, but I think I might love sugar more than my wife.
Haha, funny joke.
No alcohol (really)
I can't do this. Nobody can. Alcohol was how I planned on coping with this ridiculous diet.
After reading the stupid diet book while eating a cupcake (which is essentially diet cake because it's so small, so I have to eat five of them to get the nutritional value of one piece of normal cake) I only wept for a few minutes.
"You can have steak for breakfast" my wife cooed, seductively.
"Don't toy with my emotions, woman."
"Wrapped in bacon"
Bacon? I suppose I'll give this all-bacon diet a try. I can do this!
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or via frosting message. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or he may eat all the bacon.