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Excerpts from my meat journal

August 19, 2012
By KELLY VAN DE WALLE (vandkel@hotmail.com) , Times-Republican

Because my wife decided we were tired of delicious, all-natural food like chocolate peanut buttery swirl ice cream and brownie cupcakes we've decided to go on a diet and quit being happy about things.

Unfortunately it's not an all-pastry diet; it's some vile, new-age thing that directs you to eat only the things that were around two million years ago, like my parents' meat loaf.

I'm convinced dinosaurs went extinct because they didn't have bacon-and-cheese-stuffed tortellini. I fear the same fate.

According to the diet we can eat as many vegetables as we want, however even at zero vegetables I'm already at as many as I want, provided they:

A) Aren't wrapped in bacon where the bacon can be easily removed and consumed, discarding the other unnecessary part

B) Don't include the necessary ingredients that make them become, technically, pie.

My wife loves sugar, which is forbidden under this diet, and will hereto be referred to as Sugar Momma. Below are journal entries from the first few miserable days.

Day 1

Dear journal,

First off, I don't like the way that "dear journal" reads. It comes across very much like a teenage girl writing about boyfriends and backstabbing when this will instead focus on how totally unfair it is that I'm going on this diet because I'm so totally NOT fat. I'm NOT!! Shut UP, Megan! GOSH. So let's try this again.

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet (grunt, grunt, FIRE!),

The evil diet book says we're to model our eating patterns as close to our Paleolithic ancestors as possible. It seems a little weird, but I did it. In the morning the zoo is going to be furious. In a related note, giraffe meat is delicious!

Day 2

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

Energy levels low. Need pancakes. Waffles. Syrup. I can't do this. I think I'm dying. Can human people die from lack of chili dogs?

Thinking about bribing a scientist to see if I can get cheese balls changed from their current classification to "Totally Vegetables."

Day 3

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

Didn't want to get up this morning. And, really, without biscuits and gravy what's the point?

I can't believe I've made it this far. If there were a Willpower Olympics I'd totally win a gold medal, though I'd probably see the medallion hanging from my neck and try to eat it thinking it was a giant chocolate coin.

After eating something that tasted suspiciously like lettuce FOR BREAKFAST, my body began shutting down. I can't move my left leg anymore but I don't care.

Sugar Momma is continuing to come down off her 25-year sugar high with the ease and grace of a frozen turkey falling from a plane. This morning she exploded a pigeon just by staring at it. Lack of sugar giving her increased powers. I shall not cross her.

Day 4

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

I'm sure "no junk food" means "no king-sized Snickers bars", which are larger and therefore have more fat. Instead, ate entire bag of miniature ones. But I had to cover them in caramel first, which is pretty much a vitamin. Then it started raining M&Ms. This may have been a dream.

Day 5

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

Today we've begun lethargically wandering around the house biting things at random, hoping whatever we sink our teeth into has flavor.

"Not cookie" Sugar Momma will say, sadly, chewing on the stairs.

"Not cookie," I'll agree, mournfully.

I'd probably punch a senator for a S'more.

Day 412 Or Something

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

Lack of Cheetos causing brain to run sluggish and accidentally suggested to Sugar Momma that because I'm hunting like ancestors of old that she should do her part and gather berries and probably lose the top. Mistake.

While we're on the subject of mistakes, apparently it's not okay for one to walk around without pants hulking around a chunk of lamb, especially if one doesn't remember where one got it.

Daughter demanded fruit snacks today, which sounded like a great idea, but they have sugar. This didn't stop me from demanding them too. Wife soon joined in. Had anyone walked in they would have seen us all on the floor sadly demanding fruit snacks from some unknown, invisible entity.

Day Peanut Butter Capt'n Crunch

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

I visited the Farmers Market today because I'm a grown-up and that's a thing. Stopping by several proprietors, I inquired about some odd-looking "vegetables." Clerk was a little put off by my demand he eat some in front of me to ensure it wasn't some poisonous plant ("Maori Spinach" sounds super suspicious). I don't know what happened to the guy selling funnel cakes. I have no memory of the incident, but I'm sure I'll read about it in the paper.

Wife caught me late last night watching the Food Network. In retrospect, it probably was a bit concerning from her perspective when she flipped on the lights and there I was with the screen frozen on a piece of chocolate cake while I hissed and hugged the television defensively, all the while muttering "My precioussssss!"

Day I Will Eat You

Dear Paleolithic Meat Stone Tablet,

Trying to trick my body into thinking it's putting in delicious food by holding up a flash card of lasagna as I eat grilled asparagus. Ineffective. Ate the flash card. It was the best thing I ate all week.

---

Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via Dippin' Dots message. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny if he's still conscious, which he probably isn't.

 
 

 

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