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Conventional insanity just won’t cut it anymore

September 9, 2012
By WES BURNS , Times-Republican

Like an old man at a bus stop yelling about alien radio signals to an empty McDonald's bag, Mr. Clint Eastwood's bizarre rant during the Republican National Convention was both disconcerting and somewhat humorous.

Also - crazy.

So The Outlaw Josey Wales decided to spend what felt like a solid 45 minutes alternating between hitting a few campaign talking points and orating a cautionary tale about the dangers of going off psychiatric medication.

During a convention that contained Romney pollster Neil Newhouse saying "We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers," a distinct lack of the words "George W. Bush" and an actual hurricane the moment that will live forever in YouTube history is Clint "The Good" Eastwood accusing a big pile of empty space of not doing enough to get Americans back to work.

Lee Van Cleef would have gotten to his point a lot sooner, and without props, too. Just saying.

As far the Democratic Convention has fared there has been distinctly less crazy; mostly due to the Democrats making their crazies stay in a cornered off area eight blocks away from their convention hall in a space called Occupy Futility.

A rare, prudent decision from the Democrats. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll follow it up with a party plank about a $26 million grant from the National Endowment for the Arts to glue pictures of surgical procedures on shaved cats and let them loose over the White Cliffs of Dover.

Art! If you don't get it you're dumb!

The Republicans, the Democrats, and most importantly, Polycephalic Pundit Monster, have decided that ... as always ... each side has reached new heights/plumbed new depths in what they are willing to do to secure this election for their party.

We Americans look around at our stumbling politicians, with there indecipherable double talk and their unattainable promises and think to ourselves "I should have been at my second job an hour ago."

Okay, we think that first, but then we think "These people are crazy."


Once again I am the only person with the right answer. Just like that time when I?predicted the collapse of the housing market. Which I totally did. I swear.

You guys think that a screaming old man and some penned up peaceniks are the craziest thing in politics?

Ladies and gentlemen of America, allow me to introduce you to Vladimir Putin.

Now, since Putin usually behaves in a manner befitting a James Bond villain he has been featured in this column from time to time.

But Prime President Putin has been quiet for some time, probably enjoying some of his normal pastimes: shooting crossbows at whales (true), Judo (true), tagging polar bears (true) and hunting the deadliest game of all (more than likely true).

Not so anymore.

You think Romney saying "Corporations are people" is crazy? How about strapping on a white robe and beak, jumping on a motorized hang glider and escorting Siberian cranes out of the arctic to their winter habitat?

That's how Putin spends a Wednesday.

Prefect Putin decided to take to the sky to live out the dream of every bird lover and/or Jeff Daniels film buff out there, and starred in his own remake of 1994's "Fly Away Home," starring Anna Paquin and the aforementioned Daniels.

Fine, Romney sometimes says some wacky things and President Obama has been known to provide his own non-Biden related gaffes on occasion. But my countrymen, remember where you are living.

In the United States we can do three days of round the clock "news" coverage on our president singing a couple bars of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together." Russia has a president dressed up like a bird, flying over the arctic, more than likely firing his crossbow at polar bears just for fun.

Honestly, who sounds more crazy? Still not convinced? How about this: Even Palin didn't wear a bird costume when she hunted from the air.

Crazier. Than. Palin.

Just let that sink in.


Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or



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