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Food for thought

September 15, 2012
By KELLY VAN DE WALLE (vandkel@hotmail.com) , Times-Republican

I've received many questions from curious readers about the Paleolithic or "caveman" diet I've been on recently. Below are a few samples with my helpful responses.

Q: What has been the biggest challenge you've faced so far?

A: I once had to out run a flock of bees. Wait, is a group of bees called a flock? Probably not. Now I'm imagining a bunch of bee-sized geese flying after me. I wouldn't run away from that. I'd put little ski masks on them and train them to snatch parcels.

Q: No, with the diet.

A: My wife says it's very difficult getting the meat bloodstains out of the carpet after she catches me devouring a raw steak in the living room perched on top of the coffee table in my cheetah print Speedo. She should be so lucky. Is there any way I could be more manly?

Q: What has been your favorite meal?

A: Anything I hunt myself. Scared meat is succulent meat (my new motto). The cats are terrified of me. I've renamed myself Alpha Kelly.

Q: What do your grocery lists look like?

A: It's a piece of granite I carve into using a nail with my new caveman muscles.

Q: No. What's actually ON your grocery lists?

A: Oh. It's a smorgasbord (or hodgepodge, if you prefer) of made-up-sounding things like ghee, cherimoya, romanesco, ugli, champageli, durian, samphire, razakek and crocaloo, several of those are words I DIDN'T make up and are actual things. To be completely honest, my list consists entirely of things some warlock would put in a cauldron or the incoherent ramblings of a spell that forces sensible people to pay money to watch bad actresses frown while pretending to be a vampire or Snow White. Either way, it all sounds evil. It's no coincidence this is the exact adjective I use when describing the flavor of these "foods."

Q: What's been the hardest part for you?

A: Being forbidden to use all these spears I carved from the kitchen table and chairs because my wife says it's "ruining everything" and "Now we don't have a place to eat," which is false because I've made a perfectly good meat-eating table from a slab of elephant bone (it doesn't smell that bad).

Q: How do you feel?

A: Honestly? Like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The only drawback is I make my wife scratch my back because my arms are too tiny, and her heart is never in it.

Q: Have you tried eating "normal" food yet?

A: Oh, yes. After 30 days I was allowed to do that. I've learned it's probably exactly what a bomb disposal technician feels like; only this is a lot less relaxing. It's gone something like this:

Me: "OK, body, we're going to try some granola. We've had this for years. Only this time it's not covered in chocolate and sprinkled with tiny S'mores."

Mouth: "Then ... what's the point?"

Me: "The point is we haven't had anything but magic green fictional-sounding spell food for over a month. This could be dangerous."

Body: "Whatever. We can handle anything. Right, Gut?"

Gut: "We once ate an entire try of your wife's charred sadness biscuits"

Eyes: "Actually, they were cinnamon rolls for a few minutes."

Gut: "Really? That's too bad. Anyway, we managed those. I think we're fine with a little wimpy, non-burned granola."

Me: "OK, here it goes."

Body: "Poison! Red alert! Battle stations! This is NOT a drill! Repeat! THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Batten down the hatches!"

Me: "Let's not jump to any conclu"

Body: "Prepare to evacuate!"

Me: "Hang on a seco"

Body: "Evacuation in 32"

Me: "Aaaaiiiiiieeeeee!"

So to answer your question, I've attempted "normal" food but it hasn't gone well. In essence, I started a diet feeling great and able to eat anything - including my wife's smoky cinnamon rocks - now I'm unable to eat anything enjoyable or delicious. I love it when things work out just the way I planned. It'd be like if the Wright brothers were about to take their first flight and instead of flying, their plane turned into a giant murdering potato and gobbled them up. But this is much more stupid.

It goes to show that diets are dangerous and everyone should just eat bacon dipped in mayonnaise. I'd go on that diet.

---

Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via imaginary ice cream sandwich island. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny and feed him goodies.

 
 

 

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