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2012, in 601 words or less

December 23, 2012
By WES BURNS - Copy Editor ( , Times-Republican

This column is written under the assumption that the world did not come to an end on Dec. 21. If the world did indeed end, then feel free to ignore this column, as it is quite challenging to read a newspaper column on the smoking remains of what was once the Earth.

With one of the more lame Apocalypse fake-outs behind us (fingers crossed) the rest of 2012 seems like kind of a let down, doesn't it? You're sitting around for Christmas dinner, enjoying spending time with your friends and family, all the while thinking "Why did I take out all those loans? Aren't we supposed to be a ball of flaming wreckage by now? Stupid Mayans."

It kind of takes the fun out of the holidays when you have to leave dinner early to avoid being taken to debtor's prison.

Which leaves us with New Year's Eve. Drinking, singing, tiny hats; what's not to love? Except for fighting the crowds, waiting two hours for a cab and making awkward apologies to ex-girlfriends you called at 2 a.m.

So, maybe it's not the best holiday. But if you cast aside the party traditions of New Year's Eve you are left with one of the great joys of turning your calendar page: levying judgment on the previous year while attempting to divine the future, all in easy-to-read list format.

Behold! The Old Cold & the New Hotness for 2013!

Pointless nostalgia.

Old Cold: The Hostess Bankruptcy. Aww, can you not get Twinkies anymore? Concerned that you won't be able to find those little chocolate donuts at the gas station? Have you been hoarding Ho-Hos? Guess what? You didn't eat Hostess products to begin with. If you did they would probably still be in business.

New Hotness: The Boy Meets World sequel. Yeah, this is going to be the one that all the kids are amped up about. Outside of my friend Chris' pyrophobic dog Topanga I hadn't thought of "Boy Meets World" since I saw Mr. Feeny pop up in "Blades of Glory." But I guess the whole cast has run out of money because now the television landscape will be blighted by "Girl Meets World," the story of the couple from "Boy Meets World" in what I can only assume is a gritty reboot of the series. It will be terrible. I am not wrong.

Hyperbolic phrases

Old Cold: BLANK-mageddon. There was a time when Armageddon was used to describe the end of everything. Everything. As in: All life that is or ever will be. This year the root "mageddon" has been used to describe a blizzard (Snowmageddon), a hurricane (Stormageddon), a traffic jam that never happened (Carmageddon) and a second nonexistent traffic jam that received press coverage as some sort of elaborate prank (Carmageddon 2).

New Hotness: "Good." We're through the looking glass here, people. After the total destruction of Creation was used to describe a long commute home, what is left? In 2013 superlatives will go around the bend, bringing us back all the way to the humble, dignified "good." Who am I kidding? It's probably going to be another wretched portmanteau like "bro-tacular."

Must read books

Old Cold: People didn't read a lot in 2012.

New Hotness: Can't imagine 2013 will be any different.

There you have it. Another exhaustive, three item list encompassing the entirety of 2012 I have left nothing out. So here's hoping 2013 provides as much ridiculous garbage as 2012 had to offer, unless that whole apocalypse thing happened. In which case, remember: the only way to take a zombie down is by removing the head or destroying the brain.


Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or



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