There are so many things I neglected to do in 2012, however I'm confident with the right resolutions this time around 2013 will finally be the Year of Kelly. This year I promise to do every single one of these to make myself a better person. Unless I get busy or forget about them or something.
1. Amaze one Amish person with remote controlled helicopter.
2. Re-dedicate self to the Whig party.
3. Rub noses with Halle Barry.
4. Stop trying to seduce wife by licking mouthpiece of tuba. Face it; it's not working.
5. Become King of all hamsters.
6. Journey to center of the Earth with rock band Journey. Write novel "Journey's Journey: a Journey of Truth, Rubble and Rock & Roll." Cash in.
7. Have courage to stop sleeping with framed picture of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Cuddle with actual The Rock in his strong, strong arms.
8. Become bounty hunter. Confirm that turning in folks at Perkins for taking dill pickle spears from other people's plates meets criteria.
9. Stop lying to daughter that I'm the one that creates all rainbows by setting garden hose to "mist."
10. Taunt more penguins.
11. Frame Nicholas Cage using hamster minions.
12. Cry less, or at least at more important things than wife throwing away perfectly good leftovers.
13. Learn a new language (Parseltongue?).
14. Spend more time with family; specifically, Olivia Wilde's family. Minus her family.
15. Take more pills.
16. Obtain custom license plate tags: SXYBEAST.
17. Figure out what Whig party stands for (wigs?).
18. Win Super Bowl again.
19. Stop referring to finishing restaurant-sized cocktail shrimp platter before anyone else has had a bite as "Winning the Super Bowl."
20. Learn to throw axes ACCURATELY (clarification from 2012 resolution list)
21. Get into fewer choreographed knife fights.
22. Stop mimicking Captain Jean-Luc Picard's catchphrase "Engage" all over the place, especially when leaning in to give wife tongue-filled love smooch.
23. This year I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to learn patience and cook the batter before consuming pancakes.
24. Stop joking around about it and finally give wife more lap dances. Buy more baby oil.
25. Do my "business" in a men's room when there is another man there instead of walking in, freaking out and fleeing.
26. Uncovered that Whig party demanded government support for a more modern, market-oriented economy, in which skill, expertise and bank credit would count for more than physical strength or land ownership. What a bunch of squares. Secede from Whig party. Join Cocktail Party.
27. I've been talking about it for years, but spend an afternoon and finally map out the human genome.
28. Stalk journalist Bob Schieffer, 75, and actor Corbin Bernsen, 58, to glean insight into why wife loves these two men more than me.
29. Be more Fergalicious.
30. Go on a crusade to ensure other people break their resolutions so I don't feel as guilty breaking mine.
31. Blame random, obscure ethnic group for piddly first-world problems. Example: "I'm out of kalamata olives AGAIN?! You know whose fault this is, don't you? Those stupid Bagladeshis."
32. Become manlier: grow facial hair in the shape of Texas on one cheek.
33. Exercise more. Or at least stretch a hamstring. Also, find out if hamstrings are something you stretch or edible meat threads that fit around two or more large slabs of ham.
34. Help wife around the house more by pointing out chores she neglected or areas she missed.
35. Eat more ham strings. Those things just sound delicious.
36. Probably stop trying to teach daughter home defense skills by rigging house with Home Alone-style booby traps. If she doesn't know how to rig a blowtorch to a door handle by now she's never going to get it.
37. Develop an archenemy (in addition to Hugh Grant).
38. Poke a conductor.
39. Randomly become an expert on cobras and bring up cobra facts into every conversation.
40. Stop commenting on the speed of elevators to fellow riders.
41. Stop blasting techno music/dancing whenever wife begins sentence "Can you"
42. Give mailman a gift. Measles?
43. Be more modest and pay attention to other people, like that handsome devil I see in the mirror every morning.
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at email@example.com or via sultry message written on mirrors in a steamy bathroom. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or face his wrath (Wrath is the name of his attorney).