Reality television gets on my nerves. The problem I have with a show like "Jersey Shore," "Toddlers & Tiaras" and "Dance Moms" is that they're too mundane and too much like mainstream America. If I wanted to watch a shirtless idiot drink too much, get into fights, do laundry and have hot tub parties I'd just go home because I call that show MY LIFE.
Now, my wife might be reading this and think, "That's absurd. He doesn't do laundry." Reality stars like me are always given troubling spouses prone to conflict and radical outbursts like this. It makes for good TV. I roll with it.
Hey show producers, how about adding some entertainment once in a while? Below are my genius ideas for reality-based television programs.
Synopsis: One member from each village the producers of "Survivor" has been to is kidnapped and given a complete makeover. Afterwards they are all whisked to the New York Stock Exchange to compete for a year's worth supply of mini-ravioli to see who can become the best stock broker.
TWIST: During week six Gary Busey is made a surprise competitor. It's unknown if he's told about this first.
Show name: "America's Next Great Stock Broker" (sponsored by Chef Boyardee)
Synopsis: 17 bodybuilders are given an itch in the middle of their back as America votes on which one looks the most hilarious trying to scratch it while dancing to music.
Show name: "Protein Shake"
Synopsis: 24 overweight Americans showcase their strangest/most delicious food combinations and vie for their very own product line.
Show name: "America Would Probably Eat That"
Synopsis: 15 former women fashion models vie for the love of a supposed millionaire bachelor farmer.
TWIST: The women are told that one of them is actually a man.
SECOND TWIST: 14 women are actually men.
THIRD TWIST!?!: The "bachelor" is a woman.
Show Name: "A Surprise For You"
Synopsis: Fortune 500 CEOs are taught karate and patrol cities at night.
Show name: "Undercover Ninja"
Synopsis: 20 overweight co-ed Americans compete for love and the title of "Best Unicycler."
Show name: "Spare Tire Love"
Synopsis: Retired people that complain about the weather are driven to Tornado Alley during tornado season and given scooters and a light jacket.
TWIST: Participants think they're going on a luxury vacation.
Show name: "So You Want To Be A Stormchaser. No? Well Guess What? You Are Now. Here's A Jacket."
Synopsis: Random strangers are given chainsaws and a block of ice and are tasked to create the most stunning ice sculpture.
Show name: "This Probably Won't End Well"
Synopsis: 15 college women go to clubs together and dance/text the entire night and avoid talking to brilliant writers
Show name: "Ohmygosh You Guys I Love This Song Let's Go Dance!"
Synopsis: 15 hair stylists and 15 lumberjacks switch jobs for one year.
Snow name: "Chopped!"
Synopsis: 10 men forced to go to Hobby Lobby with their wives. Whoever lasts longest without making sighing noises or doesn't end up crying in the fake flower aisle wins a new Ford F-150.
TWIST: Secret bonus prize of one billion dollars to whichever husband can successfully make up and excuse to leave the store without making their wives mad. The reward is so high because it's impossible.
Show name: "I Wish A Pigmy Would Jump Out And Shoot Me In The Neck With A Poison Dart"
Synopsis: 15 people with obsessive-compulsive disorder are locked in the houses of 15 hoarders.
Show name: "Obsessed Mess"
Synopsis: 15 ex-convicts compete in a country line dance competition with famous astrophysicists.
Show name: "Hoodlum Hoedown with the Stars"
Synopsis: 10 billionaires attempt to create the best money vault. Host: Snoop Dogg. The winner has Michael Phelps swim the 100m butterfly in all of their gold coins while Snoop wears a fluffy robe in between two scantily-clad women that apparently have been there the entire time.
Show name: "Scrooge, Snoop 'N Phelps' Happy Time Money Valut"
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or via message shaved into a jungle cat. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny for delicious appetizer recipes.