With summer quickly approaching, conditions are perfect for the emergence of what science calls "women" (also: "ladies", "lasses" or, if in a 1930s black-and-white detective drama, "dames"). Those conditions? An abundance of oxygen. It's a well-kept secret that women are oxygen junkies.
Because of my experience with women (I know several) I constantly get asked by guys for advice. Far be it for me to keep this cornucopia of knowledge hidden away. DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for the resulting pregnancies that may/will result after reading this column.
Question: "How do I get a girl?" Ted Franklin, 21
Answer: First of all, Ted, you don't "get" anything. Women cannot be purchased like a Lamborghini or taken like the Hope Diamond. It's much more difficult than that (though it helps substantially if you have the Hope Diamond).
There is no rhyme or reason to their selecting of mates and they apparently do so at random (see: Catherine Zeta Jones). Your best bet is to wear bright colors and star in a movie about stockbrokers.
Question: "What can I do to impress a lady?" George Flick, 19
Answer: It's a well-known fact ladies love men who are strong. Ask yourself: what's stronger than a grizzly bear? Time's up; the answer is obviously nothing. If you want to impress your gal, dress up as a grizzly bear and practice ripping up the interior of cars you suspect contain candy, also practice catching salmon from a stream. If you don't live near a stream, have your lady friend toss you raw fish from the grocery store as you snatch them out of the air with your bear claws. This also gives you the opportunity to show off your athleticism, which women adore. Strength and athleticism, this is the genius of the movie "Teen Wolf" which is why women love Michael J. Fox.
Look, women have grown accustomed to the boring old dating traditions, so you're going to have to step up your game if you want to "seal the deal", which is a euphemism for getting a lady to agree to something as seals are known to be excellent negotiators.
Question: "What are some good dating tips?" Reginald Jonstone III, 29
1) Instead of taking her to a movie, reenact scenes from her favorite movies with you playing all the roles. Women love a versatile leading man.
2) Go on your date wearing a stovepipe hat. The large, phallic nature of the hat will be a subliminal message throughout the evening and she'll not be able to take her eyes off it. Note: she may end up leaving at some point during the date, presumably due to the fear her lust may overcome her right then and there.
3) Be Zac Efron
4) When crossing the street with a pothole full of fresh rainwater, do the gentlemanly thing and remove her coat or jacket to drape about the puddle to prevent her feet from getting wet. Note: she may be reluctant to take it off, as this is 2013 and women, thus, are more independent, so you might really have to fight with her a bit to show off your gentlemanliness.
5) The end-of-the-night, standing-at-her-doorway kiss can be awkward. Avoid the uncomfortable "should I kiss her now? How about now? On the lips or cheek? A hug? Handshake?" questions by taking initiative and attacking her lips with your mouth as soon as possible.
6) Purchase a crossbow. It's a fact that women LOVE men with crossbows.
7) Order for her. However, get creative with it an, order something from another restaurant's menu.
8) Women love talking to an intelligent person who's knowledgeable about certain things. Pick something you can speak confidently about: yourself. Who knows more about you than you? Nobody! For the next two hours show her what you've got, Mr. Expert.
9) To spice things up after dinner invite her back to your place to play "Truth or Dare." If she's brave enough to choose "Dare" dare her to change the oil in your car. She won't be able to do it. You win! (women love winners.)
Question: "What are some good pickup lines?" Bob Salt, 42
Answer: "Lines" are for amateurs. Just be honest with her. However you need to filter your honesty. For example:
"You have an incredible smile" (yes)
"Those things are amazing!" (no)
If you insist upon a "pickup" line, simply walk up to your targeted woman and say, "I'm going to pick you up now" then attempt to cradle her in your arms like you've just been married and are carrying her across the threshold of your new home. This signals to the lady you're ready for commitment (attractive to women). She might be so surprised she'll scream with delight!
Question: "What type of cologne should I buy?" Craig Nelson, 33
Answer: Every woman is different, which is why I suggest you do what I do: go to a fancy restaurant and wait until you see a particularly attractive woman with her male companion. Wait for him to excuse himself to use the restroom then follow him in. As he's doing his business, go up behind him and say "You smell amazing" while giving him a tight hug and rubbing yourself on him a little to steal some of his scent because it obviously works. You'll have about 20 seconds to get outta there before he tries to reclaim some of it with his fist.
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or via lower back tattoo. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or in real life, but not really, creeper.