Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in your life. Where you put your stop signs and what you consider “crossing the line” will vary based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions. Here are a few things to think about when you’re setting boundaries: GOAL SETTING: Ask yourself questions like “what is the goal in setting a boundary or needing to set a boundary?” START SMALL: Setting boundaries can be hard and uncomfortable. The key is to start small and focus on one at a time. BE CLEAR: Focus on what you want as clearly as possible. PRACTICE: If thinking about setting a boundary makes you nervous, write out what you want to say beforehand or practice saying a boundary in the mirror. KEEP IT SIMPLE: Less is more with boundary setting. Try not to overload someone with too many details at first. Just pick the main thing that is bothering you and focus on that.

One of the quickest ways to determine if a boundary has been crossed is to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation. Pay attention to your instincts. Often, our bodies will respond before our minds when something about a situation feels “off” or unsafe.

If you feel emotionally uneasy or even get physical sensations like nausea, these can be signs that something about a situation has made you very uncomfortable.

There are 3 main types of boundaries–clear, rigid, and open. Clear boundaries are directly stated, flexible, and adaptable. Rigid boundaries are closed and inflexible, much like a wall that does not let anything in or out. Open boundaries (also called diffuse) are not clear, and might be fuzzy or loose.

There are 6 different domains of boundaries. Physical, sexual, intellectual/mental, emotional, material/financial, and time. Physical boundaries include your body and personal space. Sexual boundaries consist of your sexual self and your intimate personal space. Intellectual/mental boundaries comprise your personal ideas, beliefs, and thoughts. Emotional boundaries are your feelings and personal details. Material/financial boundaries are your financial resources and belongings. Time boundaries deal with your job, relationships, children, or other responsibilities.

Setting limits can provide balance in your life. Some of the benefits of setting boundaries include: AVOIDING BURNOUT. Doing too much for too many people is an easy way to burn out. Setting boundaries can help prevent burnout. LESS RESENTMENT: Giving and helping others is a strength but when it turns into doing too much for others, you may start to feel resentful. Setting boundaries around what you are able to do can reduce or even get rid of and resentment that may have come up for you. MORE BALANCE: Sometimes, the boundaries we need to set are with ourselves. For example, while it can feel like a nice escape to binge-watch a favorite show, staying up too late on work nights can lead to exhaustion. Setting a boundary with yourself to go to bed earlier can give your life a little more balance.

Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness. We need to be clear about our expectations of ourselves and others, and what we are not comfortable with in specific situations setting healthy boundaries requires good communication skills that convey assertiveness and clarity.

When we maintain healthy boundaries in all 6 domains we will thrive, but when others cross or violate our boundaries there will be a personal cost if we do not address it.

It is never too late to set boundaries, and setting healthy boundaries can lead to less stressful and more productive life.

——

Becky Brown and Deb Williams

re the cofounders of Together We Can, a mental health nonprofit based in Marshalltown.